Why Self Compassion and Self Love are Vital During Divorce – For You and Your Children

Parenting Coach Bernadette Najjar, of Thrive Together Parenting, has written a blog on the importance of self-compassion and self-care. 

Going through a divorce is one of life’s most challenging experiences, not only for parents but for children as well. It’s an emotional and often overwhelming time, and as a parent, we often instinctively focus on our children’s needs first, ensuring they feel loved and secure. However, during this time, self-compassion and self-care are not just beneficial — they are essential.

While it may seem counterintuitive, caring for yourself—showing yourself love, compassion, and patience—can be one of the most powerful ways to support your children through this time. Self-care is not selfish; it is a selfless act that gives you the emotional reserves needed to help your children process their own emotions. Think of the familiar airplane safety message: put on your own oxygen mask before assisting others. This simple analogy holds true for parenting, especially through difficult times. By cultivating self-compassion and practising self-care you are giving yourself the emotional “oxygen” needed to support your children fully and openly.

Self-Compassion: What It Is and Why It Matters

Self-compassion means treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer a loved one.  It’s about acknowledging that it’s okay to struggle, to feel pain, and to need support. It is allowing yourself to be human, embracing imperfection, and letting go of harsh self-judgment or self-criticism. Self-compassion directly benefits both our stress management and our relationships with others. According to Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in self-compassion research, practicing self-compassion can reduce anxiety, depression, and improve emotional resilience—qualities that are critical during the strain of a divorce.

How Self-Compassion Benefits Your Children

When you show yourself compassion, you’re better equipped to approach your children with patience, understanding, and empathy. Research shows that self-compassionate individuals are less likely to be critical or punitive in their parenting style and more likely to foster secure, connected relationships with their children. Your self-compassion becomes a model for your children, helping them learn resilience and self-acceptance.

Self-Care as an Extension of Self-Compassion

Self-care is a natural outcome of self-compassion. When we talk about self-care, we’re not only referring to physical health but also mental and emotional well-being. When you are kind to yourself, you are more likely to engage in activities that nurture and replenish you. Think of self-care as the compassionate fuel that supports you through difficult moments. This may include taking time to rest, seeking support, or allowing yourself to feel emotions without labelling them as “good” or “bad.”

Studies have shown that parents who care for their own emotional health are often more emotionally available for their children, they are better able to connect with, empathise with, and support their children, even during difficult life changes like divorce (Neff, 2011).

When parents care for their emotional well-being, they become better able to provide a secure and nurturing environment for their children rather than reacting from a place of stress or exhaustion.

The Challenges of Self-Care During Divorce

Divorce often brings intense emotions: loss, anger, guilt, and even relief. With all these feelings swirling around, it’s natural to feel consumed by the process. Amid all these demands, remembering to practice self-care may seem impossible. But the truth is, when we neglect ourselves, we can become overwhelmed, and this impacts our ability to show up fully for our children.

By cultivating self-compassion, it becomes easier to let go of blame or judgment—whether directed at ourselves or our former partners. Self-care allows us to build resilience, enabling us to focus on healing and making positive choices for ourselves and our children.

Practical Steps to Cultivate Self-Compassion and Practice Self Care

1. Acknowledge Your Emotions Without Judgment: Allow yourself to feel sadness, anger, and frustration without labelling these emotions as “wrong.” Recognising these feelings and approaching them with kindness helps you process them in a healthy way.
2. Practice Self-Care as a Compassionate Act: Self-care starts with the basics, eating nourishing meals, staying active and prioritising sleep. Regular exercise, even a short walk, releases endorphins and can help you feel better equipped to manage stressful situations. Journaling, or engaging in hobbies are forms of self-compassion, replenishing you so you can be more present for your children.
3. Practice Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation: Taking a few moments each day to breathe deeply or to practice mindfulness exercises can help manage stress. This is also a wonderful skill to model for your children, showing them that they too can manage overwhelming emotions by pausing and reflecting.
4. Acknowledge and Celebrate Small Wins: Divorce can be draining, so take the time to recognise small steps forward. Whether it’s maintaining a peaceful interaction with your co-parent or simply completing a daily task, acknowledging these achievements fosters a sense of progress and self-worth.
5. Set Boundaries and Take Breaks: Boundaries are essential for protecting your energy and well-being. This might mean limiting conversations with your former partner or setting aside time each week for an activity that brings you joy. Allow yourself the time to recharge so you can approach parenting with renewed energy and calm.
6. Pause and Breathe Before Responding: When faced with a stressful parenting moment, take a deep breath. This brief pause can help you respond with more calmness, creating an open and supportive atmosphere for your children.
7. Seek Support Without Shame: Divorce can feel isolating and so reaching out for help is a powerful act of self-compassion. Talking to a therapist, joining a support group, or working with a parenting coach can provide valuable perspectives and coping strategies.

Evidence-Based Benefits of Self-Compassion and Self-Care in Parenting

Studies indicate that self-compassion reduces stress, anxiety, and self-criticism, leading to greater emotional resilience and well-being. Dr. Kristin Neff emphasises that self-compassion enhances resilience, enabling you to face difficult emotions with greater stability and patience. This resilience translates into more grounded parenting, especially in times of transition like divorce.

Research underscores that self-compassionate parents are better able to cope with stress, show empathy, and respond more effectively to their children’s needs. A study published in Journal of Child and Family Studies found that parents who practice self-compassion have greater emotional stability, which can help them build stronger relationships with their children (Moreira et al., 2015).

In other studies, it was found that parents who manage stress through self-care are better at positive co-parenting, which in turn supports children’s emotional well-being. By approaching divorce with self-compassion and practicing self-care, you are investing not only in your own well-being but also in the quality of your relationship with your child.

Self-Compassion as a Gift to Your Children

In prioritising self-compassion, you’re not only caring for yourself but also modelling resilience and empathy for your children. Children are deeply perceptive; they notice how you respond to challenges. When they see you handle difficult emotions with patience and kindness toward yourself, they learn to approach their own challenges in a similar way. Practicing self-compassion and self-care ultimately strengthens your ability to provide a secure, loving environment that helps them feel safe and supported, even during life’s most difficult transitions.

Remember, Self-Compassion is Not Selfish - It’s Selfless

In times of family stress, such as divorce, it’s easy to feel that caring for yourself might take away from what you can give to your children. However, self-compassion and self-care are selfless acts. They enable you to be the strong, nurturing parent your children need. By giving yourself permission to prioritise your well-being, you’re ensuring that you have the emotional “oxygen” needed to guide them through this journey with love and understanding.

Sources:

• Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
• Moreira, H., et al. (2015). The role of self-compassion and parenting stress in predicting parenting styles in mothers and fathers of toddlers. Journal of Child and Family Studies, 24(8), 2332-2342.

 Bernadette Najjar – Parenting Coach, find me at Thrivetogetherparenting.com or email me at Thrivetogetherparenting@gmail.com