The Power of Connecting Before Correcting

Parenting Coach Bernadette Najjar, of Thrive Together Parenting, has written a blog on the power of connecting before correcting  

Divorce can be an emotional upheaval for both parents and children. Amid the changes and uncertainty, children often experience heightened stress, which can leave them operating primarily from their ‘survival brain’. This can make them more prone to acting out or becoming upset (often referred to as ‘dysregulation’). Connecting with your children, before correcting their behaviours, can really help you both manage life during and post-divorce.

Why Connection First?

It is important to understand how the brain works and its three key areas:

• Brain stem: Responsible for survival instincts like fight, flight, or freeze. This is where children operate when they feel unsafe or overwhelmed.
• Limbic area: Processes emotions and memories, influencing how a child reacts to stress.
• Cortex: Manages reasoning, problem-solving, and impulse control but it goes offline when a child is dysregulated.

When children feel dysregulated, they are unable to access their rational, thinking brain until they feel safe and understood. Connecting with your child first helps calm their emotional and survival brains, paving the way for their thinking brain to engage.

Benefits of connecting before correcting with children:

If you can connect with your child before correcting their behaviour you are able to:

• Build trust: Strengthen the parent-child bond, making children more likely to rely on and listen to you.
• Encourage positive behaviour: A sense of connection helps children feel secure and promotes cooperative behaviour.
• Support emotional regulation: Children learn to manage their emotions better when they feel safe and supported.
• Create a safe environment: Connection fosters a positive atmosphere where children can thrive.
• Enhance communication: When children feel heard and understood, they are more receptive to guidance.
• Strengthen problem-solving skills: Feeling connected enables children to engage their thinking brain to handle challenges effectively.
• Promote secure attachment: A connected relationship provides children with the emotional foundation needed for resilience and confidence.

Ways to connect during difficult times

So, how do I connect? Here are some tips to help you:

• The importance of parental regulation: Divorce can be stressful for parents, making it vital to recognise your own triggers and notice the physical signs of stress in your body. By taking a moment to centre yourself and calm your emotions, you create a safe and regulated space that enables your child to co-regulate and feel secure.

 “When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” – L.R. Knost

• Acknowledge their feelings: Use phrases like: "I can see that you're feeling really sad/angry/frustrated right now, and that's okay. Your feelings are important to me.", "I’m here with you. It’s okay to feel this way - I’m listening, and I want to understand what you’re going through.” Just being present and accepting of their emotions can be enough to help them feel seen.
• Use nonverbal connection: A warm hug, soft tone, or eye contact reassures your child of your love.
• Be curious: Ask yourself, "What are the feelings and needs beneath my child’s behaviour?" Instead of reacting, pause and wonder about what feelings and needs are beneath their behaviour, remember all behaviour is communication.

Final thoughts

Your child’s behaviour during a divorce is often a reflection of their inner struggle to feel safe. By focusing on connection before correction, you can provide the emotional anchor they need to navigate this challenging time.

Remember, parenting through divorce isn’t about having all the answers; it’s about showing up with compassion and curiosity. Start with understanding your own feelings and needs so you can better meet your child’s.

If you want to explore in more depth the above topic and more, please visit me at thrivetogetherparenting.com. I offer a free 30-minute exploration call or online meeting.