My ex’s parents have offered to pay for our two children to go through private school but I don’t really want them to

Dear Marcie

My ex’s parents have offered to pay for our two children to go through private school.  They are 10 and 8 now and at a state primary.  The state secondary schools in our area are good and I don’t really want them to go to a private school.  I am also worried that neither my ex nor I can afford the fees if the grandparents suddenly decide to stop paying.  We would then have to move the children.  I have tried to talk to my ex but she got very angry with me and said that I was penalising the kids for my own view and ‘holding them back’. I feel I am being railroaded by my ex and her family who have already talked to the children about possible schools.  What can I do to stop this happening?

Bea, London

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Let me ask you a question. What is the likelihood that they will suddenly decide to stop paying the fees? Is that based on previous experience? If it’s not, then it’s possible that the control and influence you perceive they will have from financing school fees is not in fact as great as you fear.  This may not be the case for you, but sometimes these kinds of financial contributions can make us feel a bit powerless. If that’s how you’re feeling then it may be causing you to feel a bit angry about it or pushed into a corner. I just want to ask you to use facts to counter some of these feelings so you can check in with yourself if they are genuine reactions and legitimate worries. You can do that by writing a list of facts down about the situation. So, things like; they have / haven’t ever stopped paying for something before. They are good people who want the best for my kids. Make a list and see if you feel any differently about this situation now.

Also think about whether there is anything that can be put in place to make this feel easier.  For example, what if the grandparents deposited some money in a joint account or earmarked it for the school fees in some way. Would that give you some comfort?

Your principles may mean that you just don’t want to send your kids to private school. If that’s the case then that’s a different approach, but that’s not what you’ve said in your letter, so I’ve not gone down that route.

Check back in if you need more support.

Warmly

Marcie