My ex insists on communicating through the children so that she does not have to have any contact with me

Dear Marcie

My ex and I divorced a few years ago. We have two teenage children who spend roughly an equal amount of time with both of us. To begin with, my ex and I were able to communicate with each other about matters concerning the children without too many issues – generally we would exchange emails on a weekly basis with any relevant information. However, as time has gone and the children have got a bit older, there is less of a need for us to stay in regular contact, which wouldn’t be a problem, but I am increasingly having to rely on the children for information rather than going through my ex. My main concern is that the children will often ask me something – for example to pay for a school trip – because that is what my ex has told them to do. I am worried that they are being caught in the middle and becoming involved in conversations that they should be shielded from. I suspect this is because my ex no longer wants to communicate with me unless she has to. Is there anything you would recommend to help me reestablish contact with my ex. I am not looking to set up a weekly email again, but equally I am uncomfortable, for the children’s sake, with not having any communication at all.

Best wishes

Lewis, Luton

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Hi Lewis

Thanks for your question. You don’t mention how old the children are, but even if they’re bigger I would wholeheartedly advocate for communication between you as parents about them. By not having a communication loop around your children what actually happens is they lose their feelings of stability. Knowing that their parents aren’t communicating about their needs can be very destabilising for kids and it places responsibility upon them too early.

What I’d like you to think about doing is to contact your ex and sit down with her to talk this through. Explaining that children’s stability stems from the ability of parents to communicate might be helpful. Don’t make her feel guilty or make her feel defensive, come at it solely from the perspective of the kids and what they need. Acknowledge that she may really not want to speak with you, but urge an open channel of communication, so your kids know that you’re both still able to parent them together. Having your children’s mental wellbeing at the centre of conversations like this can be useful, as long as you’re not using it as a way of making the other parent feel bad. Thinking forward to where you want to go, rather than looking backwards at what’s not been done is helpful.

Hope it goes well for you all.

Marcie