I think my child is autistic, her father disagrees – what can I do?

Hi Marcie

I am a mother of two children. I’ve had some concerns for a while about my younger daughter. She’s 9 years old and has struggled to socialise with her peers at school. She is also a huge planner – she needs to know where we are at all times in our daily schedule. The SENCO lead at school thinks she may have autism, but their Dad doesn’t believe in neurodivergency and won't acknowledge there is a problem – he says that she’s “quirky” and we should leave her be.

What should I do?

Best

Anna, Notting Hill

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Hi Anna

Thanks for your message. It can be hard for us as adults to acknowledge that we might need to give our kids a little extra help and sometimes labels are hard for us to accept as parents. At the same time, it would be helpful for your daughter if she has a diagnosis as then you can choose how you want to deal with it.

Perhaps talking to her dad about the long-term impact on your daughter if you do and don’t get a diagnosis might help you weigh up the pros and cons. Talking to him about helping her understand what she needs as she grows into a teenager, young adult and beyond and how you can both support her through that can help situate the discomfort in her long-term welfare.

I wonder what makes him uncomfortable in this? Have you any idea? Can you soothe and reassure him to help yourself at least get to a point where you can work with professionals to see what additional support she needs?

I use the following story which might be helpful to you.

Sometimes in life we plan for a holiday. We might plan to go to Greece, only to get off the plane and see we have landed in Finland. It’s still a wonderful place but the clothes you need to be on holiday in Finland are different. It can take a while to adjust, but when you do and you have the right clothes etc, you are well prepared to enjoy this wonderful country.

The metaphor might help your co-parent to see that actually they might just need a different way of thinking about this, and your daughter might just need extra support in order to help her get through life more easily.

Take care,

Marcie